- Me: *dumps clean clothes on bed*
- Me: There. Now you have to put your clothes away tonight.
- Me: ...
- Me: ...
- Me: *sleeps on pile of clothes for a week*
“How silly you all have been to believe the tiny, white creature with pointed ears and whiskers was a cat,” said a representative from Sanrino at the start of an hour-long press conference. “You must all be stupid idiots.” The representative then spent the remaining 59 minutes flipping the bird to the journalists in attendance (“This isn’t really a bird, you morons.”)
Even though Sanrino and the Hello Kitty website were pretty clear that Hello Kitty is in fact, a little girl and not a cat, I found it necessary to examine the evidence myself.
Is Hello Kitty a Human?
YES: She walks upright on two legs.
NO: She’s as tall as five apples. Let’s assume that apples are about four inches. That would make Hello Kitty less than two feet tall. That’s way too small for a human. Even if she’s not a cat, evidence suggests she’d be more of a pixie or something.
YES: She plays the piano, and dreams of becoming a pianist one day.
NO: Have you ever seen “The Aristocats”? Those lovable scamps play piano all damn day.
Even in real life, cats play piano so often on the Internet that it’s not even impressive anymore.
YES: She has her own pet cat, named Charmmy Kitty.
NO: First, dumbest cat name ever. Only another cat would name her cat something as dumb as “Charmmy Kitty.” Second, have you seen Charmmy Kitty? Here’s a picture:
Notice anything? Oh, right. She and Hello Kitty have the exact same face. For reference, here’s what happens when you face-swap a human and a cat:
I’ll wait here while you clean the shit out of your pants.
Also, just having a pet cat doesn’t make you a human. Just because Pluto has to wear a collar and pee outside doesn’t mean Goofy’s not a dog too.
YES: She’s from London. A town where people live.
NO: I can think of some cats from London.
Just like Hello Kitty, they stand on their hind legs. Do you know what else they do? Call themselves cats.
YES: She likes to bake cookies. Cats don’t have opposable thumbs and lack the small-motor control to crack eggs.
NO: If you weight as much as three apples, something tells me you’re not eating cookies all that often. Do you know how much three apples weigh? Not a lot. Even at her most waifish, Kate Moss bottomed out at seven and a half apples.
So if Hello Kitty is human after all, thank you Sanrino for making it even more difficult for young women to achieve body acceptance. Because you might be skinny, but you’ll never be three apple skinny.
Will Arnett won our hearts in “Arrested Devlopment” and Devon Banks on 30 Rock. Then stomped on those hearts when he divorced Amy Poehler.
You probably know Patrick Wilson from his for-some-reason-controversial episode on “Girls.” He was also in The Phantom of the Opera movie, which earned him the distinction of being the only person to ever make the name “Raoul” sexy.
Pictured: Working. It.
Will Arnett and Patrick Wilson are pretty much twins.
Here’s that picture from above once again, with a picture of Will Arnett from comparison.
If they coincidentally went to the same summer camp, they could have switched places coming home and their inexplicably rich parents wouldn’t have noticed.
Here they are looking like they’re submitting head shots to get on The Bachelorette:
Will and Patrick enjoy smooth jazz, girls who are good listeners, faux-hawks, and spray tans.
They both like old-timey suits…
That picture on the left is shaking me up a bit so I’m going to leave this post here while I wash the dust out of my eyes.
Let me take this opportunity to say that I am a huge Pete Holmes fan. I’ve YouTube binged all of his show monologues, and I laughed so hard watching his Ex-Men series (featuring Silicon Valley’s Thomas Middleditch!) that I’m pretty sure my roommate thought I was having a nervous breakdown.
When I say Pete Holmes looks like Jonathan Taylor Thomas I don’t mean that they look like each other now. Pete Holmes’ doppelganger is Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a child, only stretched out to adult size. He is JTT through police age-progression software. He is the ghost of Home Improvement future.
Is it the squinting blue eyes? The guileless smile?
Something about the lips?
Maybe the shape of the head?
It’s probably because they both like to pose with flowers
And pretend they’re trapped in the walls of the picture.
Tell me this doesn’t look like a 20 year before and after picture.
Wait. Figured it out.
For your consideration, I’ve crudely photoshopped a classic JTT ‘do on Pete Holmes’ head:
Doesn’t it somehow look right? In another life, Pete Holmes would have always played the hapless teenager in 90’s Disney Channel Original Movies who couldn’t get his homework in on time because he was too busy investigating the ghoul at the local pool.