“How silly you all have been to believe the tiny, white creature with pointed ears and whiskers was a cat,” said a representative from Sanrino at the start of an hour-long press conference. “You must all be stupid idiots.” The representative then spent the remaining 59 minutes flipping the bird to the journalists in attendance (“This isn’t really a bird, you morons.”)
Even though Sanrino and the Hello Kitty website were pretty clear that Hello Kitty is in fact, a little girl and not a cat, I found it necessary to examine the evidence myself.
Is Hello Kitty a Human?
YES: She walks upright on two legs.
NO: She’s as tall as five apples. Let’s assume that apples are about four inches. That would make Hello Kitty less than two feet tall. That’s way too small for a human. Even if she’s not a cat, evidence suggests she’d be more of a pixie or something.
YES: She plays the piano, and dreams of becoming a pianist one day.
NO: Have you ever seen “The Aristocats”? Those lovable scamps play piano all damn day.
Even in real life, cats play piano so often on the Internet that it’s not even impressive anymore.
YES: She has her own pet cat, named Charmmy Kitty.
NO: First, dumbest cat name ever. Only another cat would name her cat something as dumb as “Charmmy Kitty.” Second, have you seen Charmmy Kitty? Here’s a picture:
Notice anything? Oh, right. She and Hello Kitty have the exact same face. For reference, here’s what happens when you face-swap a human and a cat:
I’ll wait here while you clean the shit out of your pants.
Also, just having a pet cat doesn’t make you a human. Just because Pluto has to wear a collar and pee outside doesn’t mean Goofy’s not a dog too.
YES: She’s from London. A town where people live.
NO: I can think of some cats from London.
Just like Hello Kitty, they stand on their hind legs. Do you know what else they do? Call themselves cats.
YES: She likes to bake cookies. Cats don’t have opposable thumbs and lack the small-motor control to crack eggs.
NO: If you weight as much as three apples, something tells me you’re not eating cookies all that often. Do you know how much three apples weigh? Not a lot. Even at her most waifish, Kate Moss bottomed out at seven and a half apples.
So if Hello Kitty is human after all, thank you Sanrino for making it even more difficult for young women to achieve body acceptance. Because you might be skinny, but you’ll never be three apple skinny.
Will Arnett won our hearts in “Arrested Devlopment” and Devon Banks on 30 Rock. Then stomped on those hearts when he divorced Amy Poehler.
You probably know Patrick Wilson from his for-some-reason-controversial episode on “Girls.” He was also in The Phantom of the Opera movie, which earned him the distinction of being the only person to ever make the name “Raoul” sexy.
Pictured: Working. It.
Will Arnett and Patrick Wilson are pretty much twins.
Here’s that picture from above once again, with a picture of Will Arnett from comparison.
If they coincidentally went to the same summer camp, they could have switched places coming home and their inexplicably rich parents wouldn’t have noticed.
Here they are looking like they’re submitting head shots to get on The Bachelorette:
Will and Patrick enjoy smooth jazz, girls who are good listeners, faux-hawks, and spray tans.
They both like old-timey suits…
That picture on the left is shaking me up a bit so I’m going to leave this post here while I wash the dust out of my eyes.
Let me take this opportunity to say that I am a huge Pete Holmes fan. I’ve YouTube binged all of his show monologues, and I laughed so hard watching his Ex-Men series (featuring Silicon Valley’s Thomas Middleditch!) that I’m pretty sure my roommate thought I was having a nervous breakdown.
When I say Pete Holmes looks like Jonathan Taylor Thomas I don’t mean that they look like each other now. Pete Holmes’ doppelganger is Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a child, only stretched out to adult size. He is JTT through police age-progression software. He is the ghost of Home Improvement future.
Is it the squinting blue eyes? The guileless smile?
Something about the lips?
Maybe the shape of the head?
It’s probably because they both like to pose with flowers
And pretend they’re trapped in the walls of the picture.
Tell me this doesn’t look like a 20 year before and after picture.
Wait. Figured it out.
For your consideration, I’ve crudely photoshopped a classic JTT ‘do on Pete Holmes’ head:
Doesn’t it somehow look right? In another life, Pete Holmes would have always played the hapless teenager in 90’s Disney Channel Original Movies who couldn’t get his homework in on time because he was too busy investigating the ghoul at the local pool.
This is my friend Ryan:
This is SNL cast member/expert Justin Beiber impersonator, Kate McKinnon:
Again, here’s Ryan:
And here’s Kate:
Here’s Kate as Justin Beiber:
And back to Ryan:
And Kate as Beiber once more.
I hope by now you are sufficiently convinced that they are fraternal twins. Dead on doppelgänger, great job to me.
I love Harry Potter as much as anyone but I’m re-watching Chamber of Secrets at age 21 and I’m realizing now how dumb it all was. All of these observations of dumb shit are with regards to the movie.
And even though whatever the shit he said sounded WAY closer to “Diagon Alley” than “Knockturn Alley” (no “k” sounds anywhere in there) Harry somehow ends up in the objectively evil alley which somehow exists and no one has decided to clean up or renovate. And then a swarm of hobos surround him (to…. kill him? rob him of the zero valuables he has on him?) before Hagrid Ex Machina comes to his aid.
Hermione uses magic to repair Harry’s glasses while being underaged totally breaking some rules.
UPDATE: Turned this into a Buzzfeed list
spoiler alert: dan is “A”
So I was watching the trailer for Gone Girl when I saw Meryl Streep playing Amy Dunn’s mother, Marybeth. She hadn’t been in any of the press, no - or named in the trailer itself. “Wow, Meryl,” I thought, “That’s really modest of you.”
Turns out (obviously) it’s not her.
But…. doesn’t this woman:
Totally look like she COULD be played by Meryl Streep?
Here she is in “The Iron Lady” for comparison.
I call them as I see them.