Hello Kitty, Goodbye Logical World Order

A few weeks ago, the LA Times caused global outrage with information from Hello Kitty’s parent company Sanrino that Hello Kitty is not a kitty at all. 

“How silly you all have been to believe the tiny, white creature with pointed ears and whiskers was a cat,” said a representative from Sanrino at the start of an hour-long press conference. “You must all be stupid idiots.” The representative then spent the remaining 59 minutes flipping the bird to the journalists in attendance (“This isn’t really a bird, you morons.”)

Even though Sanrino and the Hello Kitty website were pretty clear that Hello Kitty is in fact, a little girl and not a cat, I found it necessary to examine the evidence myself. 

Is Hello Kitty a Human?

YES: She walks upright on two legs.

NO: She’s as tall as five apples.  Let’s assume that apples are about four inches. That would make Hello Kitty less than two feet tall. That’s way too small for a human. Even if she’s not a cat, evidence suggests she’d be more of a pixie or something. 

YES: She plays the piano, and dreams of becoming a pianist one day.

NO: Have you ever seen “The Aristocats”? Those lovable scamps play piano all damn day.

 Even in real life, cats play piano so often on the Internet that it’s not even impressive anymore.

YES: She has her own pet cat, named Charmmy Kitty.

NO: First, dumbest cat name ever. Only another cat would name her cat something as dumb as “Charmmy Kitty.” Second, have you seen Charmmy Kitty? Here’s a picture:

Notice anything? Oh, right. She and Hello Kitty have the exact same face. For reference, here’s what happens when you face-swap a human and a cat:

I’ll wait here while you clean the shit out of your pants.

Also, just having a pet cat doesn’t make you a human. Just because Pluto has to wear a collar and pee outside doesn’t mean Goofy’s not a dog too.

YES: She’s from London. A town where people live.

NO: I can think of some cats from London.

Just like Hello Kitty, they stand on their hind legs. Do you know what else they do? Call themselves cats.

YES: She likes to bake cookies. Cats don’t have opposable thumbs and lack the small-motor control to crack eggs.

NO:  If you weight as much as three apples, something tells me you’re not eating cookies all that often. Do you know how much three apples weigh? Not a lot. Even at her most waifish, Kate Moss bottomed out at seven and a half apples. 

So if Hello Kitty is human after all, thank you Sanrino for making it even more difficult for young women to achieve body acceptance. Because you might be skinny, but you’ll never be three apple skinny.

Will Arnett

doppelradar:

Will Arnett won our hearts in “Arrested Devlopment” and Devon Banks on 30 Rock. Then stomped on those hearts when he divorced Amy Poehler. 

You probably know Patrick Wilson from his for-some-reason-controversial episode on “Girls.”  He was also in The Phantom of the Opera movie, which earned him the distinction of being the only person to ever make the name “Raoul” sexy.

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Pictured: Working. It.

Will Arnett and Patrick Wilson are pretty much twins. 

Here’s that picture from above once again, with a picture of Will Arnett from comparison.

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TWINS.

If they coincidentally went to the same summer camp, they could have switched places coming home and their inexplicably rich parents wouldn’t have noticed. 

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Here they are looking like they’re submitting head shots to get on The Bachelorette:

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Will and Patrick enjoy smooth jazz, girls who are good listeners, faux-hawks, and spray tans. 

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They both like old-timey suits… 

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…and scarves.

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That picture on the left is shaking me up a bit so I’m going to leave this post here while I wash the dust out of my eyes.

Pete Holmes

doppelradar:

Let me take this opportunity to say that I am a huge Pete Holmes fan. I’ve YouTube binged all of his show monologues, and I laughed so hard watching his Ex-Men series (featuring Silicon Valley’s Thomas Middleditch!) that I’m pretty sure my roommate thought I was having a nervous breakdown. 

When I say Pete Holmes looks like Jonathan Taylor Thomas I don’t mean that they look like each other now.  Pete Holmes’ doppelganger is  Jonathan Taylor Thomas as a child, only stretched out to adult size. He is JTT through police age-progression software. He is the ghost of Home Improvement future. 

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Is it the squinting blue eyes? The guileless smile?

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Something about the lips?

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Maybe the shape of the head?

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It’s probably because they both like to pose with flowers

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And pretend they’re trapped in the walls of the picture.

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Tell me this doesn’t look like a 20 year before and after picture.

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Wait. Figured it out. 

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MUTHER

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FUCKING

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MIDDLE PART.

For your consideration, I’ve crudely photoshopped a classic JTT ‘do on Pete Holmes’ head:

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Doesn’t it somehow look right? In another life, Pete Holmes would have always played the hapless teenager in 90’s Disney Channel Original Movies who couldn’t get his homework in on time because he was too busy investigating the ghoul at the local pool.

My Friend Ryan

doppelradar:

This is my friend Ryan:

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This is SNL cast member/expert Justin Beiber impersonator, Kate McKinnon:

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Again, here’s Ryan:

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And here’s Kate:

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Here’s Kate as Justin Beiber:

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And back to Ryan:

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And Kate as Beiber once more.

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I hope by now you are sufficiently convinced that they are fraternal twins. Dead on doppelgänger, great job to me. 

"Chamber of Secrets" is the dumbest movie in the world.

I love Harry Potter as much as anyone but I’m re-watching Chamber of Secrets at age 21 and I’m realizing now how dumb it all was. All of these observations of dumb shit are with regards to the movie.

  • Harry says “diagonully!” like a moron in the fireplace.image
  • And even though whatever the shit he said sounded WAY closer to “Diagon Alley” than “Knockturn Alley” (no “k” sounds anywhere in there) Harry somehow ends up in the objectively evil alley which somehow exists and no one has decided to clean up or renovate. And then a swarm of hobos surround him (to…. kill him? rob him of the zero valuables he has on him?) before Hagrid Ex Machina comes to his aid.

  • Hermione uses magic to repair Harry’s glasses while being underaged totally breaking some rules.

  • oops! the wall to platform 9 and 3/4 is closed. not like ron’s parents aren’t right there, going to come back out in thirty seconds. Let’s just steal their fucking car with the keys they must have given to their twelve year old child and fly it out to meet the train somehow. So guess Molly and Arthur aren’t driving home now. 
  • The chamber opened 50 years ago and no one except a 12 year old girl realizes that fucking VOLDEMORT was there at the time?
  • They STILL blame Hagrid? Did no one examine Moaning Myrte’s body and realize she wasn’t killed by a giant spider? What kind of magical coroners can’t tell the difference between a death by basilisk and a death by spider?
  • Also, Hagrid isn’t even pureblood, so this is all some really shitty detective work.
  • Let me get this straight. The entire point of the “follow the spiders” subplot is so Harry and Ron go see Aragog to find out that he’s not the monster in the castle. But.. hold on. He didn’t prove anything. Aragog just said, “I didn’t kill that girl.” And Harry’s like, oh cool, guess because you said that, you’re innocent. And then the spider tries to kill them! So instead of proving his innocence, Hagrid just confirmed that his giant spider is still alive and totally cool with killing students. image
  • McGonagall thinks this is the “end of Hogwarts”? Not to diminish the tragedy of three students and a cat being temporarily paralyzed, but you’re going to shut down the entire school FOREVER? For a little perspective, when Voldemort actually returned, from book 4 on, the school was still open. But someone’s writing on the wall with blood, so we better skedattle. Is this a school for wizards or an episode of Scooby Doo? 
  • Lockhart just admits outright that his entire career and reputation is a fraud? To two twelve-year-old students? They didn’t even trick him - he was just totally happy to tell them everything with the smallest prodding and then he was 100% prepared to do brain damage on them. Good thing he was scared of two twelve-year-olds holding up wands.
  • Weren’t the other founders a little creeped out by Salazer spending so much time in the girl’s bathroom during the construction period of the castle?

UPDATE: Turned this into a Buzzfeed list